Has it ever happened to you, when you are waiting for something to happen? When you are so paranoid that you start to Google how to get rid of the paranoia. When you want to do something but you are helpless, all you can do is to wait. A strange shock hits you time and again & all you want to do is to explode. Nothing seems sweet. No matter how happy you want to be, a strange weight of expectation continuously pulls you down. Well then you are at the right place. I have been through all these and I have an answer to your queries.
More often this feeling hits you few days before the announcement of some results. The fear of failure combined with the expectation to succeed is a lethal mix indeed. You start dreaming of both scenarios. You start dreaming of a life after you succeed and suddenly another world from the failures era overshadows it. You feel restless. You just wish to know the outcome, even if its bad. The thought simply erodes you from within as if someone is itching your heart from inside. Aaarghh it hurts!
Sometimes there could be desperate moments. Situations when you think your life would depend on a single outcome. When you feel, if you don't succeed, you would be the loser in your own eyes. When you would have given yourself the "one last chance" to do what you have always wanted to do or may be when you realize your life will never be the same again.
You wish you could share it with someone but you aren't sure what you would talk about. You start praying and suddenly you get angry and shout "why me"? Everyone around keeps reminding you of the upcoming result and almost all of them make your life miserable. Some of them ll doubt your talent and question your success rate but frankly they are not the deadly ones. The deadly ones are those who simply walk by and say "don't worry, we are sure you 'll be fine". Oh My God he thinks I should clear it, what if I don't! Ouch! Do hell with you. When the hell this wait ll get over?
Now the question is how to deal with this?
The first thing you must realize that this is a test in itself. This is the test of your resilience, test of your hunger to achieve what you have badly wanted to, test of your faith in yourself and in the Lord you pray. You need to talk to yourself. You need to speak silently in your ears " You ll be fine dude", "this too shall pass". These are passing phases and they often come only when you have done exceedingly well. Such thoughts are usually a precursor of a successful outcome. You hardly worry when you are sure you would fail. Hence you need to calm down. Trust me you have just given your best.
Yes, there could be failure at the other end too but then you have just seen how close you have been to the success you always dream t of. You have just been through one of the worst periods of your life, even after a splendid effort and you really are ready to face the next challenge. The road of hope never ends and you lose only when you accept failure. Remember "with every No, you Grow". Your life is precious!!, dont ever hurt yourself! If I win I 'll celebrate, If I dont who the hell cares! I am bloody ready to face the next challenge. I was pretty close and soon I ll nail it. People will doubt you, question you but you have to do a favor to yourself: Stand by yourself. This is the time when you need yourself the most. Be yourself! Be firm!
The waiting period is as much a test of patience as of character. Time slows down and you feel like you have a decade to catch up with everything & everyone you missed. Catch up with friends, go out, love the people around you, enjoy a movie, a lunch with an old friend, a childish game, buy some gifts for someone, hug someone, watch cartoons, attend a Puja, go to a carnival- Simply Go crazy! This is "your time to re-invent yourself", for if the outcome of the wait is a successful one, you 'll again get into a crazy web of a new world and if you lose, you would again gear up for the next challenge.
More often we lose ourselves in the mad rush of life. Everything is so fast these days, we hardly get time to stand and stare. In our quest to overdo, we often tend to miss the small happiness around us. Every moment is so unique: the smell in the air, the shape of the clouds, the weather, the flowers around us, the people and their moods. Its hard to remake any of the moments we missed. Life is not always about success and failure in a particular exam. Its a long journey, full of surprises!
PS: I thought of writing this because I have been through this feeling about 150 times in the last two years. I broke down occasionally, I gave up on myself at times but somehow I lifted myself time and again. Today I stand victorious. I have achieved something that eluded me 150 times. I am here because I stood by myself when I needed myself the most. Trust me when I say this: Whenever you have this "killer" feeling, you are close to be a "winner". Congratulations!
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